Day 57 Sat Sept 7 Zoe's Morning Pages
HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM ALIVE, I Could Be Dead...
Man did I wake with a start this morning! And it had taken me forever to fall asleep on accounta the lightening storm. I think I said before and likely will repeat...I ain't used to em and ain't real keen on em. First they come outta nowhere. Second they sound like heavy artillery. Third they make me think my death is imminent. Fourth they hurt my ears. Fifth the lightening is blinding...that may be a pun, if so, please excuse. Sixth just when you think the last one rolled through, ya hear those real faint boomin sounds way off in the distance! That's when the music from that shark movie starts playin in your head and you can't turn it off for nothin!
Cheez and double cheez I woke up from a dream where I was out in space just floatin around on my dog bed and those almost imperceptible rolling booms kept edgin their way toward me. Then they'd subside and I would fall back asleep and then they'd start up again!
Them storms stir me up inside. They make me wonder about all kinds a stuff that ends up makin me anxious, and Mischa too! Like they stir up this feelin of bein sought out by some malevolent force.
Like that lightening is lookin for me and I got to be extra still so as it cant find me. Also I got to be sure to stay off the golf course and outta the bath tub! Them two is very easy requirements, but there's more. I got to remember to go around and help Mischa unplug all her rectangles. She gets frantic about that, and then so do I.
Just when I was regaining my consciousness I hear the phone ringing. Mischa can't tell who's callin no more on accounta she cancelled that pert of her service in an effort to save money. It doesn't really seem to be workin out to good for her though, cause now she is sorta a slave to the ringing sound. Anyways I hear her pick it up and say into the receiver, "who died?" Like not "hello oh how are you how's the wife and kids", just...."who died?" Then there's a pause and in that space of time my heart sinks and my blood pressure starts makin my eyes go all bloodshot. I know Mischa thinks I do some drinkin behind her back on accounta how red they get. But I don't drink! I got enough issues. Sometimes I think it wouldn't be such a bad idea to pick it up, drinkin that is. I hear it calms the nerves. But also I don't get paid much, so I don't think it's within my budget. Probably all for the best. Now where was I. Oh yeah, the phone call. It was Mischa's favorite human (next to B) and that is ole Dana.
They start goin on and on about bein obsessed with death. I can hear Dana cause Mischa's got the speaker phone! Mischa says things like "we need help" and "when did this happen to us" and "we gotta make peace with this death, cause it's comin!"
Then they is all worked up about that and start talkin about what's ailin them and doctors and blood and nurses and ratchets or something like that.
Next thing I know they're into politics and then they start talkin real loud and simultaneously. I don't know about Dana but Mischa was talkin outta her mouth and usin that real dramatic sign language with her arms and hands flyin all around. I thought maybe we was bein invaded by locusts or something the way she was wildly swattin at the air!
But what I was really gettin at was...sometimes I look around and I think "how do I know I'm actually alive?" I could already be dead and just be mistakin it for bein alive. Or maybe bein dead and bein alive is all the same thing. Sometime when I'm talkin and nobody's listening to me, I really start feelin like maybe I'm not here. Maybe I have tricked myself into thinkin I'm here but maybe there's no here here. Remember Gertrude Stein liked to say about there, theres no there there.
She coulda been right, ya know. B fancies those guru stories where he says, in that lovely lilting Indian accent "if we knew what was waiting for us on the other side, we would be lined up to die!"
I sure do hope he's got the winning ticket. I guess if he's dead he would know, but I am not sure if he is, or if he isn't...
Anyways all this talk has got me feelin a bit weak in the knees. And despite what that old Dr Science called me last night ...stout, or pudgy, or plump or whatever it was ...I'm gonna go beg a morsel.
So....later!
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